Three Years Ago On This Day I fell In Love With You

I don’t think I could ever give you
The tools you need
To break open your heart
And I don’t have the time
To help you fix it and even if I could give you
What you need and even if I did have the time
Nothing I could do would make a difference
Our clock stopped on September 30th
At about 3:00 am and I know that every September
Since I have had to break open my own heart
And fix it alone

And I don’t think I could ever buy you enough
Beer or cigars to make you remember how easily
You were able to forget about the clock we worked so hard
To fix and the time we spent watching the second had tick back
And back and back and then if it broke again we would take
The time and we would fix it

Nothing can be done now to replace the time we have lost
Even if we sit in every place we sat then
And talked in every place we opened our mouths in then
The pain would still be there
The ache would still remain
So I watch you walk away from me again and again
And I wonder if I am crazy
And I wonder what I did to earn this weight around my neck

And the days keep ticking off one by one
The time we danced to Frank Sinatra in your room
In your parents house with our hands in the air
Our mouths gaping and happy
The time we lost ourselves in tears and sorrow
Holding onto each others skin like a life raft
Moving slowly and ever farther away from each other

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niicugni

one day somebody will hold you and they will tell you all of their secrets and all of their pain and share with you small memories that have grown bigger and bigger as they have gotten older. you will trace the lines of their jaw and watch them sleep and watch them shower and eat food with them and they will teach you all about love and show you the ways in which to touch and listen and cry and laugh and you will fly many miles to see them again because the feeling of being next to them is so beautiful and addicting that you can not imagine being without them for another second and they will love you and show you the places where they hurt the most and where they laughed the most and you will understand them better then anybody you have ever known and then one day you will wake up and it will be over and they will be gone and you will spend time alone touching the places they used to touch and listening for the words that have long faded away and you will meet other people and get to know their bodies and their minds and the color of their eyes and you will sleep in their beds and cry into your pillow after they have fallen asleep because the feeling of being next to them is not enough and then time will go by and you will be alone again and then that first somebody will come back into your life and you will remember how good it felt to be around them and how beautiful the mornings are even when you wake up alone because you know they are still there and they will hold you but it wont be the same and even though it makes you sad to think about the change in how you touch each other there is still enough beauty between the two of you that it wont matter and you will grow closer again and become even closer then  before and you will hold them as they cry and as they share their pain with you and they will tell you that nothing could ever compare to you and nobody will ever take your place and you want nothing more then to take their pain away and put it on yourself and carry their weight for them but you cant so you hold them close and you whisper it will be ok it will be ok and they will pull you closer and tell you thank you thank you thank you and all the sadness that is inside both of you will rest even if only for a little while and they will look at you and you will know. you will know just like you knew when you first laid eyes on them that there is nothing as important then the understanding that neither of you have to say anything in order to be heard.

Like a Friend

 Iron and Wine always makes me think of you no matter where I am or who I am with if there is Iron and Wine playing my body and are sent back to the last time I saw you waving goodbye to me as the car pulled away and I feel that pull and that ache as I turned back in my seat and faced forward and focused on not hitting anybody as tears raced each other down my cheeks and nobody has ever sent me back like that or taken me and ripped me apart and put me carefully back together saying “I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry I was not more careful” and nothing can even begin to match the taste of iron that lingers in my mouth as you sleep peaceful and soft as a child next to me softer then a child soft as a warm bed and the mouth that used to kiss me talks to me about another mouth that it wants to kiss and my mouth can not help but slump down a little lower and feel a little bit more empty “I am really sorry it had to be like this” and the loss of a connection is not just a dropped call or a cut telephone line but a cut vein and a dropped stomach and your heart is a bloody and beaten and pulpy heart egging itself on “You are tough and you are brave and you can handle it” and it keeps pushing past its pain threshold and each time it hurts less and less and then more and then less again and every time I am drunk on wine I hum “I spent an hour with you should I want anything else” and we are emotional babies we cry and cry and cry and we expect things to change so we are crazy but if that is not a good friendship I don’t know what is and we are the best two lonely people I have ever known and Iron and Wine reminds me of you always. 

what i think about when i think about ___

what i think about when i think about ___ is that ____ is not enough for me or for you and i think about __ and i laugh because ___ is not you and you would never never forget about __ or try to erase __ but i think that is the point because nobody knows the answer to ___ and your mom will tell you the future holds so much for you but you dont believe it because you are __ and you will always be __and nothing would ever change that but __ came first and ___ will always always always always always come last and ___  will always hold me up to the light the same light that ____ wish___ had and i know i am much more obvious then i have ever been ____ knows that better then anybody but i wanted ___ to know that more then anybody.

Too Long

Time should not be something
That keeps love from staying on the shore
And that shoves it out to sea
Again and again and again
Until it comes back every time
Worn and rough 
A texture similar to sea glass

But sadly the way of time is hard
And the longing does not ever ease
Or the ache ever let up
But instead finds itself lodged in your teeth
And no amount of toothpicks
Will be able to remove it

And the truth is
I don’t want to be alone
The truth is nobody does
But time has a way of forcing one into solitude
A bus runs late
A stoplight hangs on red for too long