if its the beaches

loving you was all i knew for so long and so its all i know now. and this horrible sadness is just the reminder that these things never leave you. i see him walk towards you and your face lights up and my chest bumps and i feel such lightness but such horrible awful sadness. its like the world is ending and being born at the same time. yes. that is how it is.

people always tell you to write what you know.  and all i know is this.  how to love, how to be loved and how to try to fill the empty places once that love is gone. and how to make it worse and how to make it better. and how the world always keeps spinning even if you wake up and everything is still and soft and lonely.

i see you together and i understand that there is nowhere else you belong. that once you were in my arms but now you are in his and that is the truth that is the hardest to accept and takes the longest to sink in. two years. two years of beautiful things i gave you and two years of flying from boston to san fransisco back to boston back to san fransisco.

two years of days i did not want to have end.

two years of a love i thought would last a lifetime.

i look back now and see myself on the beach.  i am sitting on the towel and soaking up the late decemeber sunlight. you are in the water recording the sounds the waves make.  you keep dipping in and out of the water, the sunlight dancing on your t shirt.  i fall in love with you all over again on that day. i go back to that day when i feel like loving you was a waste. i go back to that day when the present day finds me curled up crying in the shower. i go back to that day when i see you kiss him.  i go back to that day to remind me that what we had was good and that what we had was worthwhile.

now, that is all i have.  the image of you in the water. the feeling of the sun on my face.

i keep looking for you in the wrong places, in the wrong people.

because you are not there. you are never going to be there.

there will never another you for me to love.

and that is the worst  truth of all.

journal #4

i really need to learn to let things go. i need to understand that in order to mature and grow past certain things, i have to leave them behind and move on. 

but i feel like there is a string attaching my navel to yours and whenever i see you i feel this horrible pulling and yanking and i can not break free. 

 

i am tired of being a loner. i am so damn tired of being alone all the time. 

its my own fault because i tend to push people away who are only trying to get to know me and i dont give people enough credit for not living up to my extremely high expectations of them. because most people, like me, are not perfect. not even close. 

i need to stop relying so much on the past to fuel my future. 

i need to enjoy the present and feel more grateful for the life that i have. 

i should be happy every day 24/7 and lately its been worrying me how moody i have been. it is scary to not know what mood will hit next. ive been blaming it on pms but my period is not due for another month.  i dont think im crazy. i think i just feel too much. all the time. 

i literally feel every single emotion all the time at the same time and it is exhausting and rewarding and depressing. 

graduation is racing towards me and i am beyond excited to be on that stage and say goodbye to all of the bullshit and the beautiful people and the horrible people and the worst and best years of my life thus far. i am ready to leave behind all the hurt i have had to go through here and all the people who have loved me or stopped loving me at one point or another.  i am ready to live the life i have wanted to be living for so long.  but i keep stopping myself when i think that because this is my life. all of it. right here. right now.  maybe i should just start appreciating each day more.  maybe. 

 

Ache

You realize the ache will go on forever.

You know this because it is there when you take out the trash. 

It is there when you eat our your breakfast cereal

It is there when you are brushing your teeth. 

There are times when you think it is gone. 

When you have found a new lover or a new home. 

Or when the air brushes against your cheek in the car just so

But then you hit a stop sign and you stop and the car purrs underneath you

And the ache is back.

It was not a good love it was not a sustainable love

It was not the kind of love that continues on or that grows old

It does not sit on back porches or front steps

It will not drink your coffee

Instead, it will follow you everywhere you go

It will tear at you when you try to remove it from your body

It will leave holes in your favorite sweaters

It will leave scars on your back. 

EVERYTHING ENDS FOR A REASON

I have extremely violent tendencies when it comes to love
I love intensely and I love honestly with whole apples stuffed into my mouth
I once held my own head under water while a boy who loved me called out muffled and scared that he was sorry and releasing my neck head up I kissed him hard on the mouth
Why must I always be torn between the happy and the desolate
Why must I always seek out that which I can never hold in my hands
That which I can never call my own
I crave beautiful contact and yet I wash myself clean of it every morning
I crawl back from where I came and I lose all sense of direction
Once I get back home
There was a boy who called me lovely and he was no good for me but found himself good for somebody else
That is a truth I can not except
There was a boy who called me nothing and he was no good for me and found himself no good for somebody else
And he is still trying to find his own truth
In the spaces that he leaves
Between himself and other people

But I am the fibers of every rug you have ever made love on
And I am losing myself as I wake up and remaking myself into something new
Every time I close my eyes.

 

journal #3

people never change no matter how many times you want them to or wish they would. and people will always hurt you even if they dont mean to.  these are things your parents will never tell you or be able to protect you from. these are the mistakes you have to make on your own. and you will make them again and again. and you will get hurt again and again. but you learn from these mistakes, at least you think you do. and then you find yourself once again making them and wondering “how did i get here.”

today i have felt more alone then i have in weeks.  and i keep wondering what i am doing here.  i dont belong here anymore. this place is no longer home to me.   and the person who made it home is no longer in my life.

and so i eat alone and i go to classes alone. i cry alone and i sleep alone. and i count the days until it is over.

good

be a good person for as long as you can and when you can’t do that anymore make yourself a piece of toast and eat it. 

be a good lover for as long as you can and when you can’t do that anymore pour yourself an entire bottle of wine and lay back on your pillows and love yourself. 

be a good friend for as long as you can and when you can’t do that anymore put your headphones in and take a long run. 

 

ITS BETTER TO GET IT OUT

NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU MORE THEN YOU LOVE YOURSELF

LOVE YOURSELF EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SAD AND CRANKY AND IN A BAD MOOD

LOVE YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE IN THE SHOWER AND SHAMPOOING YOUR HAIR

LOVE YOURSELF WHEN HE LEAVES YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN

LOVE YOURSELF WHEN HE LEAVES YOU FOR MAN

LOVE YOURSELF WHEN SHE LEAVES YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN

LOVE YOURSELF WHEN SHE LEAVES YOU FOR MAN

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WALK YOURSELF HOME

LOVE YOURSELF EVEN WHEN YOU GET LOST

YOU ARE THE ONLY LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

 

the end

its funny how much you never know about a person and its funny how time works. nothing really makes sense after awhile, like saying the same word again and again, eventually it just turns into a dulled out mix of syllables and you forget what the word means.  there are things that are sunk so deep into us that we can not let go of them, they are the anchors of the soul. they hold us in one place and unless we dig down deep and yank them up they will hold us there forever.   you don’t know that somebody will take their anchor out for them and leave you still and silent watching them slowly drift away.

you have no idea when things will end or begin or fall apart.

the day he told me it was over i was having a good day (isn’t it funny how things always take a turn for the worse when you are having a good day) and i was drinking tea in our living room, breathing in the sounds of the morning.  he came in and sat down next to me and held me close.  i wrapped my arms around him and touched my nose to the back of his neck and let  the scent of his aftershave rush into me as fast as it could.  he pulled away and told me he had something to tell me.  i nodded and sipped my tea. as he told me everything, about a. and about his love for him, i felt my tea grow cold in my hands and i didn’t care, nothing else mattered except the things he was saying. he told me he loved me and that he was sorry it had to be like this and all i could think of was we live together and its over. we live together and its over.

i didn’t cry that night or the night after that or the night after that.

i sat in my room and listened to them talk and laugh and i heard his favorite music pouring through the cracks in the wall.

i sat in my room and it was the silence that was the worst. i imagined them touching and kissing and fucking. i imagined them falling asleep together and the ache in the back of my throat gave me a constant headache.

when i finally left my room it was monday morning and i had my art critique class to go to.

i packed my bag up and ran into him in the kitchen. he was sleepy faced and beautiful as always and we hugged and i buried my nose into the back of his neck. but this time he smelled different.

i wanted to say so many things but my mouth would not open and he nodded as if to say i get it. and i ran out the door.

i cried then.

i walked up to class and cried my eyes out. i  had to stop and wash my face in the bathroom before i went into class. my eyes were red and puffy and i looked at myself in the mirror and the girl who looked back at me knew ached as much as i did.

on driving him to the airport

i am driving you to the airport again and the sound is hard and heavy and you sit next to me silent and heavy and i want so much to just reach over and hit you over the head and tell you just snap out of it but i don’t and you don’t and so we are silent and the rain keeps coming down.  it was august it was beautiful it was love but it wasn’t it wasn’t i was wrong about that like i am about how good sex feels because it is never as good as you think it is.  it wasn’t supposed to be this way this wasn’t supposed to hurt this bad and i wasn’t supposed to love you not like this no not like this.  we are nothing alike. we are totally different people. you and your hair gel and your boyfriends and your pink underwear and i with my undyed uncut hair and my hand lotion and my lace.  and no matter how many times you tell me we are the same i will never believe it.  and the world does not stop turning just because we can no longer hold each other like we used to. 

i am still behind the wheel of that car and i am still looking over at you and wishing you would say something. that has never changed. 

journal entry #2

sometimes things come back to you in the best of ways.

and even if they are little things, small conversations, books passed on between friends, they end up being the things that keep you going on days when you just dread getting out of bed.  i think i am growing up more and more everyday. and its funny because i never used to recognize when that was happening, but lately i have been noticing how i am different then i was last week, last month, last year. and it is these realizations that have been pushing me towards a better week, a better month and a better year.  i am coming out of one of the darkest periods of my life and i am leaving behind negative people and negative things.  i am moving into the light. i am heading to a better place. i am going to graduate in may. i am going to have a good life. 

today i sat with an old friend and we talked about how things used to be. we laughed about our mistakes and our fights. we talked about our good times and our bad times. i showed him my ring and his eyes started to shine with tears.  i think i am understanding why he is how he is and i am seeing so many similarities between him and i.  if you had asked me this time last year if we would be friends i would have said no way.  and yet here we are. Image