“an open apology to my three ex “loves”

 I.
i am sorry about the way i slighted you that night when i told you
i was not able to sleep with you
even though it was in my right
you were hurt
you thought i did not find you beautiful
but darling i did
i am sorry i lost my temper at your parents house
and cried in your bed while you socialized with your brother (home from college with his girlfriend)
and made you fee like you were dating a nutcase
we left later that day and as i said goodbye to your family
i knew it was for the last time.
II.
i am sorry you were never enough for me and that instead of talking to you about it
i left you out in the cold
you see the heart sometimes doesn’t realize the love it needs
until its too late
i see you around sometimes and it still aches
it still aches and the sadness you left with me still calls out your name when you walk by
but i don’t deserve your love and i don’t think i ever really did
and i see you with her and i smile and clutch my hands together
and ignore the burning in my chest.
III.
i am sorry i wasn’t the person you needed or the person you wanted but you did love me and i did really love love you
but you say i changed your life and you say that the way you love(ed) me was…
(but i digress)
you put me in sad and hurtful situations and because of that there are apologies that you owe me that i still have to hear
i think about you at my lowest points and i’ve realized that our love was the kind that could never float
or swim in any body of water
but the kind that sinks
and stays there.
 

journal entry #1 (1.17.12)

sitting in bed today i realized that unless something goes wrong (which lets face it usually happens) then i will be graduating college in four months. 

four. 

months. 

and i have no idea what i am going to do with my life. none. 

i know what i want. 

tyler and i married in two years, an apartment full of sunlight and potted plants and my books, a job that combines all the things i love, my health. 

but i am still so unsure of how to get all those things or how to make steps to get myself to that place. 

tyler always tells me to take it one day at a time and that is what i am going to do. 

recently  i have had to cut some people out of my life. 

two to be specific. 

two people i thought i could trust and love and who trusted and loved me. 

but i was wrong .

one of them was my closest dearest friend from college and  we have known each other since freshmen year and yet she turned on me and treated me with cruelty even though i have been kind to her and loved her very much, 

because of how she was acting i told her our friendship was over and that it was no longer possible for me to trust her or reach out to her the way i had for the past three years. 

it hurts. 

when you realize your judgement and your perception of people is totally wrong. 

but for the first time in my life i spoke my mind. 

i was upfront about how hurt i was and i called it off. 

negative energy and negative people will always find a way into your life, and even though it is in my nature to just see the good in people and believe that the good in them will triumph over the evil in them, sometimes that is not the case. 

you are really better off without them. 

it has been a hard week and next week im going back to school and i am dreading it so much. 

i just want to do my work and get out of there as soon as i can. 

college has become this thing that i want to be done with already that i am sick and tired of. 

i want to move on with my life and be with actual adults, not children masquerading maturity and drinking late into the night and believing that makes them all knowing and grown up.

i want a life with the one i love, a life that i can leave when i am old and feel proud of. 

i want friends, real good kind friends, not the backstabbers and the liars i have come across in my four years at school. 

i dont want to go back on monday and feel like i am walking through quicksand and that every step i take will drag me deeper and deeper into darkness. 

but i dont want to think things like that. 

instead i will focus on taking things one day at a time. 

thats all i can do. 

 

the will of the body

skin is soft until it is bruised and then it is sharp, it becomes something you don’t touch anymore.

it becomes something alien, something horribly foreign.

nobody knows why this is the case but i have my theories.

maybe one day we will see each other in a new light.

and touch each other with new skin and find somewhere beautiful to live.